Sunday, December 5, 2010

I'm going viral!

I have to admit, I'm new to this whole "blogging" thing, but if it worked for Dr. Horrible, I don't see why it won't work for me. So here goes.

Hello internet world! In case you haven't heard of me (which, let's be serious, you probably have, especially since you're here reading this), I am Hogman, and I am the greatest super villain in the world. Your first thought that I'm going to address is the one that immediately popped into the heads of all you thus far ignorant readers: how can I call myself the greatest super villain in the world if you've never even heard of me before? Thank you for asking.

The thing about me is that I have lived the majority of my super villainous life under the radar, stayed off the grid, kept my head down. But no more! With this wonderful revolution of bloggers and internet hounds, what better way to spread my maniacal practices and experiences than through the world of cyberspace? And honestly, it's a generous gift from me to all of you that I'm actually willing to share my clandestine adventures. Count yourselves lucky, children of the World Wide Web.

I'm not really sure what goes into a first blog. There must be some way to ease you into my corrupt mind. Background maybe?

Well, of course you know all about the Pink Fairy. Or maybe you don't... Either way, there's not much to know. The Pink Fairy is my so-called "nemesis," a complete loser who claims to be a super hero. Trust me, there's not a drop of super in that guy. This whole things started years ago. It was stupid. I cut in front of him in line at the bank. (Everyone cuts in line.) He decided to politely make a big deal out of it, so I put his head through the ATM. It felt so good. I mean, not for him, obviously. But the power I felt pumping through my veins... nothing compares. Breaking things is like the fuel to an adrenaline junky's fire. Anyway, since the machine was open at that point, I figured I'd make a profit. Hogman: $10,000 - ATM: $0. Suck it, banking industry!

From there, I just kept running into that little bugger. He was at my accountant's office when I was trying to evade my taxes. He was at the shooting range when I went to renew my membership. He was at the grocery store when I went to get steaks for a summer cookout. He just kept showing up wherever I went. Things began to escalate and before I knew it, he's making it his mission to get me behind bars! Let me tell you, readers, the only bars I'll ever be behind are ones with a crisp brew on tap. I'm behind them 100%.

I guess that's all for now. What exactly is the protocol for wrapping up an introductory blog? The Godfather's mansion is up for sale. I'm hoping to dive on that bad boy. It would be a killer place to set up a new Hogheadquarters. I'll keep you all updated on how the bidding war goes. That place is going to be mine.

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