Monday, February 14, 2011

St. Hoggentine's Day

"And the nominees for most commercialized money-scam of a holiday aaaaaaare..."

I wonder if St. Valentine, wonderful law-breaking man that he was, would really appreciate the sentiment of businesses blatantly stealing the public's money in exchange for the false belief that someone's gift of a cheap teddy bear or soon-to-be-dead flowers actually means that they love you. Nothing says, "I'm willing to spend the rest of my life with a fat person" quite like giving your partner a double-stacked box of Hershey's.

In all seriousness though, V-day pretty much comes down to three things: money, sex, and commitment. It's all about who you're banging, how long you've been knocking boots, and whether their gift to you is a card or a Camaro. I'll admit, I have absolutely no problem with this. A holiday that pits the sexes against one another in the ultimate who-loves-whom more competition... someone's always bound to get hurt. Not to mention the male gender's natural tendency toward emotional stupidity putting them at a pathetic disadvantage.

So here it is, world: Happy Valentine's Day to all of you. Ladies, I'm not going to send you chocolates, flowers, or anything cuddly. My generous offer: I'll spring for the condoms as long as you don't stick around for breakfast. Sound like a fucking deal?

No comments:

Post a Comment